Traditionally, whoever chooses to throw the shower pays for it. My bridal party want to throw me one and I told them don't spend a ton. I don't want anyone to do so, especially since I'm not buying the bridesmaid dresses (can't afford it). But if your mom wants to do this and the bridal party also wants to help, they'll end up paying

Bridesmaids do NOT host the wedding shower. Traditionally, brides parents host the shower, which you know but your mom doesn’t seem to understand. I’d put my foot down and tell her if she wants to throw a shower, she pays for it, end of discussion.

I am also getting married this year and I don’t want a bridal shower. I told my mom I’d rather just spend a day hanging out with her instead because in my case she just wants to spend time with me.

I’ve been in 5 weddings and got married myself last year, and it’s always been the mother of the bride pays for the venue/food/drink, and the bridesmaids handled the games and decorations. Located in the northeastern US

IMO it’s embarrassing for someone in the mother-generation to “volunteer” a younger generation to pay for something. There is no way in hell I would accept a penny from my kids’ friends for an event I’m initiating. In fact, if anything it would work the other way - if needed, I’d bankroll behind the scenes what they want to do and it would be our secret.

And yea, ahowers in venues with balloon arches and photographers and open bars are a new thing. Many are held in people’s living rooms and that’s just fine. If someone can afford a fancy venue, great, but not at all necessary.

My maid of honor paid for my shower but my parents weren’t going to even think of throwing one for me so she kinda took over.

The rest of my friends who are married or engaged it seems their parents paid for a shower but that’s just my small circle

The hosts. Sometimes it’s family and sometimes the bridesmaids will get together and host together. There isn’t a set someone or someone’s.

Some showers are expensive and others are more affordable. We’ve seen posts where bridesmaids are expected to pay upwards of $300 per person without any budget discussions. We’ve also seen bridesmaids be expected to pay a share even though they cannot attend.

Make sure you set your boundaries and do not let anyone tell you it’s your job because it’s not. You should want to host a shower not because you’re told but because you genuinely want to for the bride and you can afford to. If you can’t afford to help host but still want to contribute there are still plenty of non monetary ways to participate.

echoing what everyone else is saying, I think it’s become somewhat uncommon for bridesmaids to pay for/host the shower. I’ve been in quite a few weddings and the most I contributed to the shower is maybe $50 for decorations. One of my friends wanted her bridesmaids to throw the shower, but when we told her our plans and budget, she just asked her mom to pay. In all the showers I’ve gone to and been a bridesmaid in, I’ve gone early to help set up, and also got the bride a gift. I like to go in on a big gift with the other bridesmaids (if there’s 6 of us, all $6 of us spend $50-$75 dollars to get a high priced item off the registry, especially if we know the bride really wants it)

I’ve never paid for the shower as a bridesmaid. We’ve always helped set up and brainstorm, but it’s always been family. I just recently had my bridal shower and it was hosted a family member and the bridesmaids just helped set up / do games.

Whoever volunteers is the host. If the MOH wants to take it on, she’s the host and is responsible for the bill until someone else wants to co-host. In my experience, if a bridesmaid wants to plan one, they get with the bride first and ask if a shower is being planned. So there aren’t 2 showers with the same group.

None, typically in my circles this is always thrown by a relative (grandma, aunt, MIL, even mother of the bride) and more geared towards the “older” generation (most of the guests are aunts/cousins/grandmas/mother of the bride and groom) and bridesmaids are invited as a courtesy. I would never pay $200 and would push back that you are happy to help set up/clean up but you didn’t agree to host or to that budget.

Yes, someone volunteers and pays. You didn't volunteer.

If the maids of honor are hosting, you're not part of it. If bridesmaids are included, you needed to be part of the decision to host and budget discussion.

The MOH or MOB typically host, but in my experience it’s been whoever has the nicest house / yard has come forward with an offer.

Bridal shower hosts really depend on region. I’ve been a bridesmaid 5 times and never paid for a shower.

Where I’m from, it’s more common for the bride’s aunts or the MOB’s friends to host a shower. Some other regions, the MOB or MOG hosts or the bridesmaids hosts.

I’ve helped contribute ideas, but never paid. Even when I helped my mom with planning the majority of my cousin’s shower, my mom paid me back with any money I spent. Even though I didn’t mind paying!

Whoever offers to host one pays! Old school etiquette where I’m from says moms shouldn’t host the shower (because it looks like they’re soliciting gifts for their daughter). But that’s often ignored nowadays. Often it’s the mom, an aunt, sister or cousin who hosts it. Or the bridal party hosts it in addition to the bachelorette and split the costs.

There’s no right/wrong way to do it, as long as everyone is happy to host/pay.

Whoever is hosting pays for the shower! If the bridesmaids are cohosting with the sister, then it makes sense for all of you to pitch in. If it’s just the sister, she should pay.

Whoever volunteers to host pays. if the bride's sisters have assumed that all the bridesmaids are interested in hosting, they have made a mistake. You should have been asked, and you should also have been asked for your budget.

If that is the case, I would respond "I suggest we take a step back in planning the shower and ensure that all the bridesmaids want to host and determine our indifivual budgets in private. If after that, it seems feasibel to go ahead with planning a hsower hosted by the bridesmaids within those budgets, I would be happy to participate".

It is old fashioned etiquette that the bride's mother doesn't host. It was seen to be a conflict of interest for her to ask others to help outfit her daughter's new home. This was however, in the days when women went from their parents' home to their husband's. Most women nowadays have their own place before marriage.

Interesting! In my circles, it’s usually deemed inappropriate for the bride’s parents or family to be involved in the payment or planning unless circumstances don’t allow for the Maid of Honor to head things up and bridesmaids to help host and throw the shower.

To reiterate, who ever host, pays. It is no ones responsibility other than the host/hosts. If only one person has shown interest, they can host one within their means or ask if anyone else is interested. If parents, friends, bridal party cannot host, then unfortunately, one doesn’t happen.

Before any plans are set, especially with a shower, all parties need to be asked, if there are others interested, budgets need to be asked for. The bride needs to give her availability of dates prior so it can be scheduled, figure out how many people she would like to invite, and then see if you can work within the budgets given. If not, the guest list may need to be reduced, or other things need to be cut.

No one is entitled to others wallets. If you didn’t agree, don’t pay, don’t feel obligated to pay if you can’t.

This is insane to me. I had my bridesmaids buy $100 dresses (and paid for two of them myself) and I think they’re going to pitch in to help my sister plan us a “girls night” a few days before the wedding. I think they’re covering the expense of me getting my nails done two days before the wedding, and I even feel bad about everything past the dresses.. I can’t imagine going on a big trip, trying to plan ANOTHER huge event, etc. right now. The bridal shower my mom is throwing at her house is plenty and will be beautiful. 

Nope. I’m only having my bridesmaids pay for their dresses (I told them the color other than that I don’t care where it’s from or what it looks like, $100 for the bachelorette trip house, and their food and drinks while there. That’s it.

Are we in the same wedding? If you have to wear a brightly colored satin dress we might be haha…Cause the specs are the same for me! And I’m so burned out on this wedding!

Absolutely not. MOH needs to zip it.

I was JUST reading a post about proper wedding ettiquette, lol, and it’s actually against it to host your own bridal shower/your own mother host your bridal shower— it can be literally anyone but yourself/your mom. My point being it’s entirely distasteful for her to a) plan her own and b) force you to pay for it.

If you were offering to host that’d be different, but I would absolutely not be chipping in in this case.

I’ve been a bridesmaid 4 times and I’ve never paid a dime toward the bridal shower. In my experience the event is usually hosted by cousins, aunts, or some other family member.

Personally, I think it’s rude to expect anyone to foot the bill. The only people who should be paying are the people who offered to throw the party.

I’ve been a bridesmaid 5 times and only paid for a shower ONCE and I was not happy about it. It’s definitely not the norm where I’m from because the families are usually the ones paying.

I have been a bridesmaid twice. Never paid towards the shower. It was set parents splitting the bill. Not to mention, the bride doesn't get to plan it. If people around her want to, then they do. You don't get to strong arm your bridal party into forking over money for an event you planned.

I went to shower this year that was paid for by the parents as well.

I don't understand why your sister thought people would just give her money for an event she planned. Bridal showers and Bachelorette parties are supposed to be optional. Not everyone is going to have family or friends who can do this.

It's not a given. Your sister and mother are being ridiculous.

The people who plan events are the ones who pay. In this case that appears to be your mother, your sister's future MIL, and (maybe) your sister's friends (if they offered to host and pay for a shower). Since your other sister is asking if the bridesmaids are paying, it sounds like she didn't offer.

The bridesmaids are all free to refuse to contribute since you didn't offer to host a shower, you weren't asked to plan (and pay) for one up front, and you had no say in how much was spent. Tell your mother that no, the bridesmaids don't "have" to contribute (at all, much less evenly) and you have no intention of contributing anything to a party when you had zero say in the budget. If they threaten to throw you out of the bridal party, let them. It's incredibly rude to plan an expensive party and hand someone else a bill for it. Make sure your other sister knows you don't intend to pay and she shouldn't contribute more than she's comfortable spending.

I was expected to split the cost of a bridal shower at this Boujee place and it was like $45 per person. I was big mad but realized I was going to be out of town and got out of it. Few weeks later had their destination bachelorette party and the group split all of their bills except flights. Spent nearly $1,000 on two nights and I’m still salty about it.

I've been a bridesmaid 4 or 5 times and have always paid for the shower. It's always been split between the parents and the bridesmaids. However, that being said, it's also planned and hosted by the parents and bridesmaids so the cost is discussed and agreed upon as a group ahead of time. None of this the bride does what she wants and then expect her friends to pay her back. Thats ridiculous. Especially if you won't even be there.

This sounds more like a bachelorette than a shower to me.

In my circles, whoever hosts the shower pays for it (this could be one or more hosts) but they also volunteer to do it and plan it within their own budget (bride has very little input)

Bachelorette parties are usually split among the attendees, with everyone chipping in to cover the bride

I would say that traditionally, the host would pay for the shower. This is clearly straying from tradition, so I would say that rule goes out the window, and the attendees should pay at least a portion of the costs.

If it's $600 for 5 people, maybe the attendees can each pay like $75-$100 since usually gifts might cost as much as that price, and then you and the other bridesmaid split the rest of the cost? Just a suggestion.

The bride should also know that the participation in this activity would really be her gift from the attendees since a shower is to shower the bride with gifts, and an activity isn't really the place to do that anyway. That's my take, anyway.

The person who hosts is usually the one to foot the bill in my experience. The host doesn’t have to be a family member but it usually is. If you’re hosting, I think you should pay but you also shouldn’t be forced to pay for something you can’t afford and didn’t choose to do

It's normal for the person hosting it to both pay, AND to decide the main venue/activities - so they can budget for it.

It's not okay for a bride to decide on an activity that someone else will pay for, unless that's been discussed between the bride and the hosts.

She needs to accept that her chosen activity is too expensive for just 5 people to shoulder, and either invite more people - as long as they know there is essentially a ticket price to do this activity - or she needs to work with the host (you) to choose a different activity that either costs less or has more participants who are for sure willing to chip in.

Being a bride does NOT mean getting a say over other people's finances.

> Total cost with food is ending up to be nearly $600 for 5, including bride.

This sounds like a second bachelorette to be honest.

That would be $120 per person. Is that an amount you would feel good paying? If so, you can offer that and ask all other attendees if that would work for them. If some say no, tell the bride the contributions are short $X and ask her whether she wants to cover the difference or pick a cheaper outing.

All I did was sent out a text saying “hey guys I’m covering most everything for the bridal shower but I would appreciate help with the following” and I sent out a list and let them choose what to pay for

A shower is an optional event, hosted by someone who wants to host. Not by someone who wants to host and then proceeds to shake down a bunch of random acquaintences for money for it. A shower for 50 is especially nuts unless there is some sort of church or family tradition involved. They are meant for nearest and dearest.

"I'm sorry, helping host isn't in the budget." Just say no.

Say no. Sorry, you don’t have the bandwidth or finances to do this. That is some next level breathtaking entitlement.

EETA: a bride does not ask people to throw her a shower. A friend or a relative or a sister-in-law of the bride does that. She’s not entitled to ASK FOR a party just because she wants one.

The bridal shower can be hosted by anyone - whoever chooses to. If you don’t want to host there is no expectation that you do - just tell the person who reached out that you don’t have the bandwidth to host but you look forward to attending as a guest.

"No" is a complete sentence. Explain that you do not have the time nor the budget to take this on.

A person close to the bride or the bridal party typically throws the bridal shower.

When my daughter got married, she didn't want a big "venue" shower, just something intimate with close friends & family.

My best friend hosted it at her house and along with my other bestie and bridal party it was planned. My two friends pretty much paid for it as a gift to my daughter.

It was perfect.

Things have changed so much in bridal event planning. I think bridal showers 20+ years ago were as bridal showers were meant to be. Family members, aunts, cousins, mom's of bride and groom, 4 friends, gave the shower, light lunch, dessert and opening of gifts. A host sat by the bride and wrote down the gift and the gift giver for thank you note purposes. I can't see that you are expected or required to host a shower.

It's not your responsibility. Just say no.

For the love of shit, just say you don’t want to. There is not some immutable law of the universe about who throws a bridal shower. You were asked if you wanted to plan something, you said yes, now it’s ballooned and you can bow out. It’s another a big deal but you are acting like you’re the victim of something and I can’t figure out what.

Anyone can throw a shower. If you don't want to help plan, that's fine, just say no. But a bridal shower doesn't "have" to be thrown by the bridal party.

Yikes. I think I would have a conversation with a friend who asked you about the shower and say you're happy to help with something like bring a dish, but this is not really your strong point, and you just don't feel comfortable doing it. I think all of us need to learn how to say no at times, and this definitely sounds like a time to do so. Normally, bridal showers are thrown by the bridal party, and in some areas by family, but can also be thrown by a group of friends. If you're not close enough to know if she has a bridal party or be in it, I would feel more comfortable only having a side roll, and not a leading one!